Ah, hate, fears uglier and much larger sibling. Hate is so close to love, but it is clouded by judgment. And I am not talking about the love with eyes wide open kind of judgment. Nope I am talking about the super judgey, I want them dead, but I am no murderer kind. You know basic bigotry.
Wait you say, you don't know what happened to me. I have a right to hate. That may in fact be true. I don't know you, (unless of course I do, but the statement applies either way). Moving on, I don't know why you hate. Besides no one can tell someone else how to feel, or what to feel, that isn't how feelings work. However I do know why I hate, and my reasons are dead on solid.
No matter how some people try to sugar coat things, I grew up in an abusive home. My stepfather was a relentless narcissist, who was both physically, and mentally abusive. As with all narcissists he hated himself. He was unable to reconcile this within himself, so I and other members of my household became his mirrors. He reflected his self loathing, and I haven't known many people to loathe themselves as much as he did on us, (more on that later).
The physical wounds healed, every single time. I have very few EXTERNAL scars. The beatings were bad mind you, more than once I or one of my younger siblings were beaten so bad cover ups were required, sometimes even a hospital trip. There was the usual cycle of I won't do that again, followed by renewed abuse, etc. We all know the cycle. (If you don't, watch Lifetime Network for a few days and come back. The post will be here when you get back. Ok now you see the cycle? Yeah that.) It's called Power and Control. His own life was spiraling out of control, so he had to control someone else, often that was his children.
The mental scars stick with you. You know that internal voice that some people have? The one that tells them how no one will ever love them. The one that says you are a failure. Not no one loves you, we all feel that way sometimes. And not you will fail, everyone has one of those voices. No this voice says you are not worthy of love. It tells you constantly that You ARE a failure. I'm not splitting hairs, the distinction matters. Failure is a necessary part of life, everyone fails. Everyone hates it. But sometimes it happens.
Everyone has times when they are alone and lonely. This is entirely different from KNOWING that no one ever has or ever will love you. One is simple depression, and requires getting out and meeting some people with whom you can create friendships. One says you are not worthy of love. The second condemns you to a life of self imposed solitude. The knowledge that the only reason people keep you around is because you are useful. So you always have to be the smartest, the strongest, the fastest, and the best, at everything. I am that guy.
Now thankfully I have some natural gifts, I often am the smartest person in the room. I enjoy learning, this is fine for me. (Read F.I.N.E., freaked out, insecure, neurotic, emotional). There is a huge difference in being the smartest person in the room, and NEEDING to be the smartest person in the room. One is a simple fact, the other is a neurosis. I acknowledge this.
Well this was my stepfather, what about my real father, surely this relationship was better? Sadly yes, but not by enough to make a dent. My "real" father, the individual with whom I share genetic information, didn't bother with me, until I reached out to him at the age of 12. He took me to McDonald's 1 time, and suggested that our lives were better without each other. Four years later I discovered he gave a newer child of his my name. A few more years later, and I received a letter from his mom, basically asking that we not involve her or other members of their extended family in my life as neither she, nor they had any desire to get to know me.
All of that to say, that yes, I have good reason to hate my fathers. And from my father I learned what men are. So I hate them. I hate men. I have good reason to hate men, in my opinion, and when it comes to how I feel, only my opinion matters. And you don't have any right to tell me I don't, even if you disagree. If your position was worse than mine, that only means you have more reason to hate than I do, your problem does nothing to take away my right to hate.
So I hate men. I hate all men. I hate them with the blinding passion you see from some of the women in Lifetime original movies. To the point that women rarely associate me as being a "real" man. I am male. I am a man. I hate men. I am not excluded from the equation. This is the problem of hate.
At it's core, I hate a person, which leads to hating people. Except I am a person. Hate always rounds back on the hater. It is unavoidable. Mine snapped back a little quicker than most, since I hate a subset to which I am intimately linked, but hate always does that. It is part of the nature of hate.
I hate all men, to a greater or lesser degree. I am a man. I hate myself. Logical? Yes. Nonsensical? Yes. So what's the alternative.
Well the root of hate is always fear. Did I have reason to be afraid? Sure. Look at what my fathers did to me. (I hate being a victim, so this part really sucks big time. I want to take ownership. I want to take control. But there isn't any, a child doesn't have control over whether his parent's love him. The cycle of fear is created here.) I have choices here, either I am not worthy of being loved. It answers the questions of the abandonment and abuse, but doesn't make me any less of a victim. The other problem with not being worthy of love is it means I am a monster, I am not human, because humans are worthy of love, but I digress.
The alternative says that my fathers were not capable of love. That there was nothing I could do, or not do to earn their love. It was a pointless and fruitless endeavor. I am a victim. This option stinks, because it means there is nothing I can do, so I become worthy of their love. Someone cannot give what they do not have, and are unwilling to acquire.
Either way love appears unattainable, and the fear is that I will never be loved. How do I protect myself from that?
Well I became immune to the need for love. I become invisible, always present, but never seen. I keep people at a safe distance. That way they can never love me, and as such they can never hurt me. It becomes a never ending cycle, and a self fulfilling prophecy, albeit a downward spiral in exactly the opposite direction from where I want to be. But hey at least I'm moving. This does nothing but keep the fear at bay, all the while reinforcing the belief over and over again that no one will ever love me. I don't let them, they don't press in because I can't let them. All of this then proves I'm not worthy of love, and on and on it goes. It can't remove the root of the fear.
Remember in order to remove the hate, you need to remove the fear. Keeping it at bay doesn't help. When the road you are on in life isn't taking you where you want to go, you need to change direction.
So why bring all this up in a weight loss and health blog? Because for me, weight is a form of death, or suicide, albeit a very slow one. The weight is a way to remain invisible, ironic I know, but it works. People don't see me, because they don't want to see me. The weight forms not only a physical, but also a metaphysical barrier to connection with people who might connect with me. It sends a message, that I don't love myself. If I don't know how to love myself, how can I love someone else? The fact is I can't. I have had this hate for as long as I can remember, and in all that time, I have always chosen the safe path. I have always known that no one can love me. Because I am not worthy of love. It consumes more and more of my mind daily, until I finally say enough.
It keeps the fear at bay, but the hate of myself, and the object of my hate only grows in my mind and thoughts like a malignant cancer. It consumes me. I wake up screaming from the nightmares, after more than 30 years of this hate. It destroys my peace. It destroys my happiness. It robs me of everything that is good in this life. And doesn't that entitle me to hate even more. They did this to me. Except they didn't. I did.
I chose this. Bit by bit, pound by pound, I chose this life. I keep people out. I am useful, but always distant. (Except apparently when I am writing, I just hang it all out there, but again I digress.) I also have Haphephobia, a fear of being touched. I am not unlike my cats who have a need to get the foreignness of being touched by someone else cleansed as quickly as possible. This is perhaps the most glaring example of how this hate and fear affect my life. It isn't the only way. I have a stutter if I think about it for too long. And I speak in public for a living.
So what now? Knowing the cause, and knowing the solution are two different issues. I can know the road I am on won't take me where I need to go. It doesn't change the fact that I'm lost. I know where I want to go. I want to be free of the fear and hate. But I don't know how to get there.
When I am lost, I stop, (Stop Think Observe Plan). I breathe until the panic stops. Few decisions need to be made in a panic that can't be made better with a clear head.
Next where do I want to go, exactly? I want to be loved, sure, but that isn't where I need to go. I need to allow myself to be open to love. I need to let go of the fear and hate to do that, but again how? Just like when I am lost on a trail, and I am not sure whether I can get to my destination from where I am, I think. I am not sure I am worthy. But I haven't really tried it, so I don't know that it is impossible. Ok so we give it a shot.
Now I get my bearings, I think. If I am lost in the woods I look for the sun. It rises in the east, and sets in the west. Every. Single. Day. It doesn't matter what time of year, or where in the world I am, that never changes.
So what do I know for certain? The unchanging facts that help me determine where I am, like time of day and position of the sun. Some of these things are guesses and extrapolations, but the observations help me get "unlost".
So what do I observe, I have friends, people who talk to me. In my observations friends are people who tell you secrets, maybe not big ones, but something they don't share with everyone. I enjoy these relationships with people, not many, but that is more my fault then theirs. I am useful to them. Friends help each other. I have likable qualities. If I doubt this, I ask around and people tell me that yes, I am useful. (This should be a given for someone who has a need to be the smartest, and best person in the room all the time, but it isn't.) These are my bearings, my setting and rising sun. Because if I are likable to even one person, or my pet then I am likable. If I am likable, then I am worthy of being loved. I just can't see it right now. But that's ok, I am lost. All I know right now is the fear and the hate. It's ok if the sun goes behind a cloud, or a tree, it's still there even though I can't see it.
Next I plan. What are my options? Continuing the hate isn't working, so while it's an option to set up camp here and just stay where I am until someone rescues me, that's unlikely. I can call out to people with a signal like a whistle, or signal mirror, or build a fire, figuratively reach out to other people. Remember people are looking for me. It's in their nature. Humans are pack creatures, we are inherently tribal. When one of our tribe, or someone who fits the tribe is lost we seek them out. A good start, certainly, but hate and fear held for this long will likely require a multi-layered approach. What other options do I have to overcome two of the most powerful emotions, installed ever since I can remember?
Well I can try to overcome the emotions, but how does one overcome an emotion? Acknowledge it, I hate men, because I fear they will harm me. (It actually sounds silly, but that's part of why I think this will work.) Question it, I fear not being loved. I fear being hurt. But I am strong, and because of my fear I prepared. I have already spent most of my life alone. I am alright. It is possible that I could be harmed physically, but this has never happened since adulthood. It is possible that I will not be loved, by anyone, but this has not happened either. Further not everyone is worth my time and energy. Is this fear still reasonable, given these facts, given my preparation? Understand it, this fear, and the hate that follows is not reasonable. It makes little sense to carry the ravings of a sad little man, and allow my life to be ruled by him. He has been dead for over 20 years, and the only reason he still speaks in my head, is because I allow it. (Be careful this step doesn't turn into another excuse to let him back in.) Abandon it, when these thoughts come back, mentally walk away from them. The danger was real 20-30 years ago. The danger has passed now.
So I am connecting now what, I still don't know how to love. It wasn't modeled for me. This is a fair point, but how does a newborn learn to love, or anything really? Observation. Seriously, they copy what they see others doing. I can certainly do this. It won't be overnight, but this is how I learn most everything. Sure, it involves risk. It involves vulnerability. I am vulnerable every time I go outside. I am vulnerable every time I speak in public, which I do, every week, several times. I could be attacked, but I am prepared. I know my material. I am not alone, unless I continue to make that choice.
Today's recipe is a layer casserole.
Closure Casserole
2 medium summer squash
2 medium zucchini
1 large eggplant preferably female, (It's a recipe based on hatred of men after all.)
16 ounces of ricotta
16 ounces shredded Italian cheese (mozzarella, parmesan, romano, or a blend)
2 heads of broccoli
1 large handful of spinach
16 ounces of mushrooms
16-32 ounces of spaghetti sauce, depending on preference
Pre heat the oven to 350
Slice the squash thinly on a mandolin or slicer so your thickness is even and uniform. You can do all the squash at once, or one at a time. Slice the mushrooms as thickly or thinly as you prefer, enough to create a single layer.
I start by spraying the pan with nonstick spray.
Layering the dark skin eggplant by overlapping the slices slightly. The bottom of the plan is covered it the white meaty goodness of the eggplant, even though the fruit is both very dark on the outside, and related to deadly nightshade, it's the perfect foundation for this dish.
Spread out the mushrooms, because deep down I am a fun guy.
Pour on a layer of sauce spreading it out with a spoon if you prefer a thinner layer.
Sprinkle a layer of the italian cheese.
Layer the zucchini, overlapping the slices slightly. As you probably found with the eggplant layer this is kind of a puzzle, fitting the various pieces of different sizes and shapes together.
Spoon on a layer of ricotta. The squishy goodness is most easily spread out this way. It takes time, and is delicate work, or you will rip up the previous layers. When this happens, just carefully place the layer back down, and smooth over it again with the back of your spoon.
Break up the heads of broccoli into small pieces and spread it out, pressing the small heads into the ricotta. The smaller the pieces the easier they will cook, gelling into the whole of your new dish.
Smooth another layer of sauce here, before layering on the brilliant yellow summer squash. Summer squash is the least uniform shape wise, so it will take more work to overlapping and fit the pieces together just right, but you are getting better at it by now.
Spoon another layer of Ricotta, carefully molding the spoon in a way that adheres the cheese to the squash like a dance with all the pieces jumping up, and back down.
Spread the spinach in a single layer covering the ricotta as best you can, you want the pieces touching each other, but avoid overlaps as much as possible.
Finally spread the freshly grated italian cheese over the top, and bake for an hour to an hour and a half.
You will know it is done when the cheese on top has caramelized, just slightly. Turn the oven off and allow the dish to set up, it will cool slightly, but it will also stay together much better. And isn't that what you want?
Invite friends, add wine, and enjoy.
