On Depression Hope, And Seeing Past My Nose

I struggle with hope. I gave it up for several years. And it is not as hard as you think, you just remind yourself constantly that hope leads to failure and pretty soon you rely only on optimism, a belief that you can in the now, and self efficacy the knowledge and reliance on past performance.

Then I read an article about how truly successful people hope. Big deal, yes. You see the crucial difference between optimism, and self efficacy is a belief based on nothing, that you can do it, because you believe in you. Not in your past, not in your current abilities, not in anything from anywhere. It says you are good enough, you are smart enough, and you have enough connections to build whatever it is.

It says I can do the impossible, even when there is no bright side to look to, even when all seems lost. Hope remains because you are still part of the system. Because you believe, you can. That's not easy to reacquire once you give it up.

A few years ago I was killing myself. Everyday I would take a little bit more of my medication with the idea that it would reach a tipping point, and I would have an accidental overdose.  Thankfully that's not how the medication I was taking works. (For reference it's a popular anti anxiety med, the specifics beyond that don't matter.) Unaware of this I decided one day that maybe it was within my power to change my life.  It was a single jab from Hope.

"Hey," she said. "Hey, you, don't like you life, you change it."  She then smacked me with the stick and said, "Aiyah, you genius, you find way. You better than this." 

For some reason Hope to me is a smiling stooped over old Chinese-American woman, but there you go.  I went in for counseling for several years.  I am working on "keeping Hope Alive!", as it were. I have found this is a challenge as long as my focus is on death.

Instead Hope looks to the future. She pokes you with her umbrella, and points you forward, until you get up and move on, just so she stops poking you.

I don't try and go too far at first. But Hope keeps on poking me.

"Aiyah, keep moving." Hope says.

"I am tired." I say.

Hope doesn't care. She just keeps poking you, in that way old people can be so persistent. Somedays I try and look back. And I get a call from an old friend who is also struggling with depression. We commiserate, and I feel a little better. I realize that I am not alone. We make plans for coffee.

It's not much to you maybe, but it is to me. It gives me the strength I need to get back to work. To see past my own nose, and help someone else with their problems. Because that is what depression does, it keeps you from seeing past your own nose.

"Aiyah, I told you, it get better. You see."  Hope says, and she smiles just a little wider, and smacks me again for good measure. "You keep moving." And I do, if only to stay out of reach of her umbrella. That thing hurts.

Good Journey my friend.

What if I Believed God Loved Me

It's an off day, and this kinda came to me. So while the format is off, and it's not my usual day. I'm feeling generous with my writing, there's no reason to pay. (It won't stop. Let's hope it doesn't flop.) UGH!!!!
Just for one day, what if God loved me.

Not in the way He loves everyone

Would He still have mercy, if only I believe

If I took it to heart, the matter was done.

Would I live different, if I really believed

Would I look at my brother with a change of heart

Would my actions be different, what could I achieve

Would I lift people up, instead of tearing them apart

This kind of thought is intemperate to be sure

It's not modern or slick, or sophisticated, or cool

It's not the way to get ahead, the nom du jur

But just for one day could I capture that jewel?

Could I really believe God's love was for me

Would I change, could I change

How would I be

What things in my day would I rearrange

Such thoughts are for Sundays, Pastors, and Missionares

I'm busy with life, with my job and family

My everyday life is too full of cares

I just don't have time, so I can't believe

Not even for one day.

A Solution to Depression and Anxiety

I suffer from depression. It has been a struggle my whole life. Lately, it has been accompanied by crippling anxiety. Monday I wasn't able to leave my apartment. I didn't take phone calls. I didn't return texts, or check my emails.

I watch and read on this issue as much as I can. I focus on how I can get better. I have tried the drugs, but they leave me an emotional zombie. I don't feel anything, and I don't think that is a path to wellness. It is a path to making a drug company rich, but not to wellness. I know they really help some people. I am not knocking drugs, if they work for you fabulous. They don't work for me.

Now in my study I learned that connection is the answer. While depression and anxiety tend toward personal disconnection, it is in finding connection that people get better. One of my goals for this year is to really connect. For personal reasons in my job, and other factors in my life, I have been disconnecting on a universal scale.

Colleagues are useful, and good to have, however it is not the same as a real connection with a friend. Due to a variety of factors the one friend I had that was also a colleague got a dream job. All of this led to feeling adrift, and alone. Matters only got worse when I lost my job.

Depression and Anxiety are not logical. In fact they are absurd. It is absurd that someone who communicates for a living finds it so hard in "real life." It is absurd that someone who has a doctoral level degree and almost 10 years of experience in a communications field, finds real communication so challenging. Let alone the thought of leaving my apartment makes me vomit on my worst days. It doesn't make sense. I know that. But knowing that, and feeling differently about it are two different things.  Spending hours on esoteric questions, that I can't do anything about is pointless. I am aware of that. Again, it doesn't help knowing it.

As you can imagine with my background I don't trust easily. However I am a man of solutions. If connection is the answer then that is my goal. I have no way of knowing if I am doing this right. My plan is to mentor one person, and find a mentor. Additionally it is to really connect by the end of the year with people I have known for at least five years who proved themselves worthy of trust. 

Facebook doesn't count, because people on the internet spend so much time pretending to be someone else, the connections aren't real. It is only in real life, that we can find the types of connections that allow us to know and be known. And it is in these real connections that we find the solution to depression and anxiety.

Since I find writing very cathartic, I am working on writing more blog posts, and shorter ones, with less time spent on adding photos and videos, and a slightly different format. I recently outlined a script with a suicidal main character. It's sort of a rom com without the rom, because that doesn't happen for everyone, and rom coms are so full of lies that too many people believe already.

I am also looking for my readers to submit some of their healthy recipes for the cookbook, so this post doesn't have a recipe. Because I would like to include some of your recipes. I know you read these posts, because when I meet you in person you tell me how much they mean to you. So I want to include you in the conversation. I want you to connect with me, and with each other.

It is in the connections that life gets its meaning. This is why love is something so many people spend so much of their time searching for everywhere. I remind myself everyday that I have good friends, and while I may be single I am not alone in the world.

Good journey my friend.