There is a term in recovery circles, specifically related to dealing with narcissists, and other sociopaths, called grey rock. I recently found myself living with family. I am tempted to employ cognitive dissonance, and say they aren't bad people. Because the truth is they are products of their environment. They became the best version they could under horrific circumstances. But neither can I say that they are all good people. They behave very badly as all humans do, some worse than others. What I will say is that they are living the only way they know how. I can lead them to water. I can recommend therapy, but you can't make someone who isn't willing get help. Not even with a court order. I know, I am a lawyer remember?
I don't know where you are in your journey, or how much you have followed and read on narcissism or other cluster B disorders, so I am going to use a few terms for shorthand. There are other blogs that go into more detail, and I may do that later, but this isn't the time for that.
Grey Rock: by its nature it is invisible, because, BECAUSE it is so boring. There is no reason to pay any attention to it at all. It gets ignored. It becomes invisible.
Cognitive Dissonance: Knowing something isn't true, but having no alternative, but to believe it as a matter of self preservation. Any child who grew up with any kind of narcissistic or other abuse will, or should understand this. You defend your family, and fight to preserve the family structure as a matter of survival, and tell yourself that it isn't so bad. Even though you are afraid, you tell other people they are inherently good. Deep, deep down you know it isn't true, but you have to separate yourself from them before you can accept the truth of what is.
Stockholm Syndrome: Where a person relates to, and even defends captors, in order to survive. It becomes Stockholm syndrome, when you actually start to believe your own lies. You believe they are true. Children in abusive households often have this. Because children are dependent on their parents for survival. When the parent is the one harming you, there is no safety anymore, for a child this is a level of terror you have to live in order to understand. Safety doesn't exist, and children understand their own vulnerability at a certain point. This is usually reinforced by the abuser when they blame the victim of abuse, for the abuse. This may be reinforced by a non-protective partner of the abuser. In my case, my mother. While she is an inverted narcissist, (dependent on narcissists for her own self esteem), she was not generally the one doing the beating. Instead she made excuses for the abuser.
Flying Monkey: They do the bidding of the narcissist, much like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz movie did the bidding of the wicked witch. They may be weak. They may be narcissists themselves, or they may just be duped. In any case, they assist the narcissist, and take up their cause, whatever it may be.
NMirror: This is the person the narcissist focuses their true self loathing on. Everything they hate about themselves that is too much to bear is projected onto the mirror. This person can do nothing right, eat, talk, stand, sit, breathe, literally nothing.They literally train you to stop living yourself, and let them do everything for you, make all your decisions for you. Of course if things still don't go well it's still your fault.
So at some point I figured out that the more boring I became, the less abuse I suffered, mentally. Physically it was a crapshoot. If food went bad, I was supposed to know a loaf of bread that was just bought was moldy, for instance. If I didn't, face meet wall. It was a personal failing that I couldn't magically know it was already bad. he hit me so hard I bled at times, which made a mess I had to clean up, because I failed at bleeding, but enough about me. Beatings were often, arbitrary, and sometimes completely random.
Remember narcissists thrive by creating drama in other people's lives. And the NMirror suffers most of all. There are two ways to limit this. One is to disappear, you are simply gone, as far as the narc is concerned you don't exist anymore. This is when flying monkeys usually come in, get information, and try and convince you that the narc really should be a part of your life. After all they are your father, mother, former lover, baby daddy mamma, etc.
If you are being told this, trust me, don't do it. It isn't worth it. Once you have the strength to cut off that contact, keep it that way. If your narc is an adult, they are responsible for their own life choices. You are not responsible for their life choices. It is hard as empathic people to look an ailing adult parent in the eyes, when they tell you they need someone to take care of them, and tell them to find a home. It makes it a little easier in my experience when you tell them you will help them find a home. I have helped many clients find this strength. But allowing a person like that back into your life after you had the courage to escape is a mistake. (This is a discussion I have with my mother all the time. She says, "Who will take care of me when I am old." I tell her that "I will make sure she goes into a nice home.")
My mother encouraged me to reconcile with my father after he left us. I was 18. I no longer needed to depend on him. I had my own job at that point. I could walk away. He spent the few hours we were together showing off his new life, telling me how great he was, and continually belittling me, and the choices I made for my own life. I decided I didn't need his influence. My biological father sent me a letter when I suggested we could have a relationship, informing me that he had moved on and didn't want to be part of my life. He put this in writing. So from the time I was 18, I have not had a father. You know what? I haven't missed it. I know, I know healthy people reading this think, "More's the pity", perhaps, in my situation this was better. Also don't pity me!
The other method is called "grey rock". My life is not a topic of discussion in my family. I don't post personal things about my life on Facebook. I tell them nothing. I don't lie to them. I simply don't say anything to them about who I am, where I go, or what I do. Since any decision I make is often wrong anyway I see no point to discussing it. I took singing lessons, my mother found out. She wanted to know why. Not was I enjoying myself, or did it make me happy, but why? As if this was a personal insult to her. I told her I wanted to learn to sing better. Of course again she wanted to know why? I replied because I do, and then asked her about her life.
This is the grey rock. If I am brought up, or anything I am doing is discussed the answer is some version of because, or it makes me happy, (although if I say it makes me happy, she will say she thinks it is stupid.) If she continues to press the matter I tell her "I don't care. I love you, and I have to go." Then only way to maintain even a short discussion with me is to talk about herself, or other people. Any discussion about me is diverted, or I respond I don't care. And the truth is, I don't care. I have learned to accept that my parents don't love me, because they aren't capable of it. It doesn't matter if I became the pope, unless it benefits them, it is stupid, and not something I should pursue.
The greatest hubris, as far as narcissists are concerned, is that I would dare have opinions about anything that differs from them. After all they love me, so of course they want the best for me. And they know what is best for me, because obviously I can't make decisions for myself. So at this point, my life is "good, and you?", "fine, and you?", or "not much, tell me about yourself?" I became a grey rock. No matter what they accuse me of, no matter how vile it may be, I do not react. I have no life, only my work, and turn the conversation back to them. You can't react. Reaction feeds them. I choose to let them starve.
I survive because I am invisible. But humans were never meant to live this way. Humans thrive on connection. Some connections are toxic, like the ever sick friend who shares the current disease du jour, some connections aren't worth making. I cannot connect with some members of my blood family on that level, worse that I would dare connect with others who aren't blood or otherwise connected to them is not only unfathomable, but repulsive ... to them. It will always bother them that I don't connect with them, but I am not responsible for how they feel.
I am getting back to some semblance of a real adult life, until I can make a life unrelated to all this madness. Once I no longer need to be a grey rock, but I am maintaining for now. I am working on that, and having some success, not enough, but some. Progress is progress after all.
Currently cutting out white carbs, and starting to work out again. So no recipe unless I think of something in the next few days. It's been awhile since I posted, and this one has been lingering for too long in the drafts folder.
Good journey my friend.
