Walking the World Alone

One of the hardest things to deal with after abuse, especially the abuse of a narcissist, is being alone. Humans were made for connection, but a narcissist fears your connection with others. This leads them to convincing you, that you cannot connect with others.

It's a one two punch. One they convince you, you aren't worthy of that connection, because you are a reflection of everything they hate about themselves. And that person, the narcissist's true self, isn't worthy of human connection. (This is especially true for children of narcissistic abuse. Because even after they are gone, it is your parent's voice you hear in your head. What they told you, becomes what you tell yourself.) Two trust feels out of place. Even after you heal, trust becomes something best reserved for children and fools.

Your parent, lover, spouse, perhaps all of them, abused you. What does this tell you about love? That you aren't worthy of it, or worse that love is abuse, and abuse is love. Your own parent/lover/spouse couldn't love you. The one person who was supposed to protect you, instead hated you so much, they abused you, neglected you, tortured you. These are not things you do to someone you love. But that is what we know. That is how we learn to relate to the world.

In response trust falls. If it continues long enough, trust can die. You expect people who claim to love you, will mistreat you. Maybe you end up in other abusive relationships with spouses or business colleagues, maybe you shut everyone out, maybe you are just emotionally frigid, maybe you simply present a facade in public, friendly but distant. Some people learn to accept narcissists and a narcissistic version of love as normal, an inverted narcissist. They depend on those few moments when a narcissist gives them "love" and compliments to get the needs of the narcissist met. You believe this is all you will ever get. This is all you are worth, or worse, you aren't even worthy of this. You are lucky to have someone, anyone, who will express any level of care for you, no matter how small, possessive, or pathetic it may be. That isn't true. I was there. It's not true for you. IT'S NOT!

And, now this is the hard part for me, because I still struggle with this. I do not believe I am worthy of being loved. Fortunately for me I am useful, so people use me. And since I am healing, I say no if I am not getting enough out of the transaction. But I don't expect love, I expect transactions. "Everything has a price." - Alistair Crowley, known for being a brilliant occultist and Satanist said that; I often add, "and it's rarely money." It has become what I expect from everyone, and everything, the price. I decide whether I am willing to pay the price to comply with their request. If I am not, I say no. It's not really a life motto, but it seems like it is always true. Love doesn't feel real. I experience an endless string of transactions, but without trust, it's all very hollow. It fills my wallet perhaps, but not my soul.

I am still healing, you are worth so much more. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with dignity, and respect. Respect for your person, your heart, your soul. There has never been anyone like you in the world, and there will never be anyone like you again. I don't know you, but I can tell you it is true for you. I wish I could say I believed it about myself, today. I wish I could smile all the time without faking it. I wish I could put my arms around you without fearing that touching you would hurt me, or that I am so badly contaminated that me touching you would contaminate you. I wish I could believe this about myself, but today I do not. Maybe I will tomorrow. You can walk the world alone, just as I have chosen to do. I know if I can do it, anyone can. Sometimes you have to do that for a while. The real key is knowing when, and whom to let in, because we cannot walk the world alone forever. We aren't made that way.

Trust me though when I say this soup will clear out a room, well the after effects anyway. Sometimes that is just what you need to do.

Cheap Bean Soup
1 Large Can of Chick Peas, or other bean of your choice
1 pound of carrots trimmed and sliced
1 pound of celery chopped
2 medium onions chopped or minced to preference.
1 large container (64 ounces) of salsa (I prefer the hot stuff, especially when I am frustrated, the pain causes your body to release endorphins, natural feel good chemicals)

You can add meat if you like, the chick peas give you the needed protein. Carrots give you needed carbohydrates and vitamins without needing to spike your blood sugar. Celery gives it a nice salty punch, and the salsa and onions round it out.

Then just throw it all in the pot and let it simmer. This is a great crock pot recipe, put in in the morning before leaving for work, then let it cook on low until you get home. If you cook it on the stove remember you may need to stir it occasionally, between movies on Netflix, or shows that you watch alone. Because hey, you don't need anyone. Sure you are alone, and sometimes it hurts to be alone, (hence the spicy salsa), but you are worthy of the best, and until you find good people worth hanging out with you can let go of the jerks, the users, and the narcissists. You don't owe them anything. Let them fend for themselves, even if that means you have to be alone for a time. Sometimes life is better enjoyed alone, than with people who make you feel alone.

Good Journey my friend.

Hello Again, And Finnegan Begin Again

Well I'm not sure how this will go. I may lose my old audience, but that's ok. If my work is no longer interesting or helpful to you, then good journey. If our paths cross again, I will wish you the same.
I am changing this blog to be more intensely about recovering from childhood abuse.

In my case it was mental, physical, and though I don't consider it abuse, so much as an assault, I was also raped on one occasion. Now people tell me admitting this is brave. And I guess it is. But not because no one else out there deals with stuff like this. In fact, in much of my experience, everyone deals with trauma, though it varies in severity, degree, and how often. No the bravery comes in facing it. The bravery comes in telling the truth. Because everyone else wants me to be ashamed of this.

Now this isn't something they would admit to. No, they are not monsters, at least on the surface. But underneath, everyone wants the truth buried deep. And when one person admits these truths, it encourages others to admit theirs. Not everyone is prepared to admit, to heal. Because healing hurts. I won't lie to you. It hurts like hell. So instead, people want these truths to stay hidden. Stay buried. "It doesn't matter. You can't change the past. It's over now." They say, and brush the pain under the rug, as if it never existed in the first place.

But the problem with this is, the pain still exists. Sure left alone it will eventually scar over. Except you will then end up with changed, and somewhat defective behaviors based on your subconscious reactions to your past pain. We call it many things, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Personality Disorder, Depression, Bipolar, etc. You are set up to remain in unhealthy relationships with abusive people. It is not unlike someone suffering from severe trauma. The body compensates. But it does so to the detriment of other parts, until eventually you are twisted, and the beautiful creation is distorted, and broken. This is as true of mental trauma, as it is of physical trauma. We all know one person affected by this. And we all know that both physical trauma, and mental trauma twist the body, and mind. Left untreated, with therapy of some shape or form, we are deformed, mentally or physically.

Child Abuse and Mental Illness

So this is my therapy, since I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good Journey My Friend.

On Depression Hope, And Seeing Past My Nose

I struggle with hope. I gave it up for several years. And it is not as hard as you think, you just remind yourself constantly that hope leads to failure and pretty soon you rely only on optimism, a belief that you can in the now, and self efficacy the knowledge and reliance on past performance.

Then I read an article about how truly successful people hope. Big deal, yes. You see the crucial difference between optimism, and self efficacy is a belief based on nothing, that you can do it, because you believe in you. Not in your past, not in your current abilities, not in anything from anywhere. It says you are good enough, you are smart enough, and you have enough connections to build whatever it is.

It says I can do the impossible, even when there is no bright side to look to, even when all seems lost. Hope remains because you are still part of the system. Because you believe, you can. That's not easy to reacquire once you give it up.

A few years ago I was killing myself. Everyday I would take a little bit more of my medication with the idea that it would reach a tipping point, and I would have an accidental overdose.  Thankfully that's not how the medication I was taking works. (For reference it's a popular anti anxiety med, the specifics beyond that don't matter.) Unaware of this I decided one day that maybe it was within my power to change my life.  It was a single jab from Hope.

"Hey," she said. "Hey, you, don't like you life, you change it."  She then smacked me with the stick and said, "Aiyah, you genius, you find way. You better than this." 

For some reason Hope to me is a smiling stooped over old Chinese-American woman, but there you go.  I went in for counseling for several years.  I am working on "keeping Hope Alive!", as it were. I have found this is a challenge as long as my focus is on death.

Instead Hope looks to the future. She pokes you with her umbrella, and points you forward, until you get up and move on, just so she stops poking you.

I don't try and go too far at first. But Hope keeps on poking me.

"Aiyah, keep moving." Hope says.

"I am tired." I say.

Hope doesn't care. She just keeps poking you, in that way old people can be so persistent. Somedays I try and look back. And I get a call from an old friend who is also struggling with depression. We commiserate, and I feel a little better. I realize that I am not alone. We make plans for coffee.

It's not much to you maybe, but it is to me. It gives me the strength I need to get back to work. To see past my own nose, and help someone else with their problems. Because that is what depression does, it keeps you from seeing past your own nose.

"Aiyah, I told you, it get better. You see."  Hope says, and she smiles just a little wider, and smacks me again for good measure. "You keep moving." And I do, if only to stay out of reach of her umbrella. That thing hurts.

Good Journey my friend.

What if I Believed God Loved Me

It's an off day, and this kinda came to me. So while the format is off, and it's not my usual day. I'm feeling generous with my writing, there's no reason to pay. (It won't stop. Let's hope it doesn't flop.) UGH!!!!
Just for one day, what if God loved me.

Not in the way He loves everyone

Would He still have mercy, if only I believe

If I took it to heart, the matter was done.

Would I live different, if I really believed

Would I look at my brother with a change of heart

Would my actions be different, what could I achieve

Would I lift people up, instead of tearing them apart

This kind of thought is intemperate to be sure

It's not modern or slick, or sophisticated, or cool

It's not the way to get ahead, the nom du jur

But just for one day could I capture that jewel?

Could I really believe God's love was for me

Would I change, could I change

How would I be

What things in my day would I rearrange

Such thoughts are for Sundays, Pastors, and Missionares

I'm busy with life, with my job and family

My everyday life is too full of cares

I just don't have time, so I can't believe

Not even for one day.

A Solution to Depression and Anxiety

I suffer from depression. It has been a struggle my whole life. Lately, it has been accompanied by crippling anxiety. Monday I wasn't able to leave my apartment. I didn't take phone calls. I didn't return texts, or check my emails.

I watch and read on this issue as much as I can. I focus on how I can get better. I have tried the drugs, but they leave me an emotional zombie. I don't feel anything, and I don't think that is a path to wellness. It is a path to making a drug company rich, but not to wellness. I know they really help some people. I am not knocking drugs, if they work for you fabulous. They don't work for me.

Now in my study I learned that connection is the answer. While depression and anxiety tend toward personal disconnection, it is in finding connection that people get better. One of my goals for this year is to really connect. For personal reasons in my job, and other factors in my life, I have been disconnecting on a universal scale.

Colleagues are useful, and good to have, however it is not the same as a real connection with a friend. Due to a variety of factors the one friend I had that was also a colleague got a dream job. All of this led to feeling adrift, and alone. Matters only got worse when I lost my job.

Depression and Anxiety are not logical. In fact they are absurd. It is absurd that someone who communicates for a living finds it so hard in "real life." It is absurd that someone who has a doctoral level degree and almost 10 years of experience in a communications field, finds real communication so challenging. Let alone the thought of leaving my apartment makes me vomit on my worst days. It doesn't make sense. I know that. But knowing that, and feeling differently about it are two different things.  Spending hours on esoteric questions, that I can't do anything about is pointless. I am aware of that. Again, it doesn't help knowing it.

As you can imagine with my background I don't trust easily. However I am a man of solutions. If connection is the answer then that is my goal. I have no way of knowing if I am doing this right. My plan is to mentor one person, and find a mentor. Additionally it is to really connect by the end of the year with people I have known for at least five years who proved themselves worthy of trust. 

Facebook doesn't count, because people on the internet spend so much time pretending to be someone else, the connections aren't real. It is only in real life, that we can find the types of connections that allow us to know and be known. And it is in these real connections that we find the solution to depression and anxiety.

Since I find writing very cathartic, I am working on writing more blog posts, and shorter ones, with less time spent on adding photos and videos, and a slightly different format. I recently outlined a script with a suicidal main character. It's sort of a rom com without the rom, because that doesn't happen for everyone, and rom coms are so full of lies that too many people believe already.

I am also looking for my readers to submit some of their healthy recipes for the cookbook, so this post doesn't have a recipe. Because I would like to include some of your recipes. I know you read these posts, because when I meet you in person you tell me how much they mean to you. So I want to include you in the conversation. I want you to connect with me, and with each other.

It is in the connections that life gets its meaning. This is why love is something so many people spend so much of their time searching for everywhere. I remind myself everyday that I have good friends, and while I may be single I am not alone in the world.

Good journey my friend.