Walking the World Alone

One of the hardest things to deal with after abuse, especially the abuse of a narcissist, is being alone. Humans were made for connection, but a narcissist fears your connection with others. This leads them to convincing you, that you cannot connect with others.

It's a one two punch. One they convince you, you aren't worthy of that connection, because you are a reflection of everything they hate about themselves. And that person, the narcissist's true self, isn't worthy of human connection. (This is especially true for children of narcissistic abuse. Because even after they are gone, it is your parent's voice you hear in your head. What they told you, becomes what you tell yourself.) Two trust feels out of place. Even after you heal, trust becomes something best reserved for children and fools.

Your parent, lover, spouse, perhaps all of them, abused you. What does this tell you about love? That you aren't worthy of it, or worse that love is abuse, and abuse is love. Your own parent/lover/spouse couldn't love you. The one person who was supposed to protect you, instead hated you so much, they abused you, neglected you, tortured you. These are not things you do to someone you love. But that is what we know. That is how we learn to relate to the world.

In response trust falls. If it continues long enough, trust can die. You expect people who claim to love you, will mistreat you. Maybe you end up in other abusive relationships with spouses or business colleagues, maybe you shut everyone out, maybe you are just emotionally frigid, maybe you simply present a facade in public, friendly but distant. Some people learn to accept narcissists and a narcissistic version of love as normal, an inverted narcissist. They depend on those few moments when a narcissist gives them "love" and compliments to get the needs of the narcissist met. You believe this is all you will ever get. This is all you are worth, or worse, you aren't even worthy of this. You are lucky to have someone, anyone, who will express any level of care for you, no matter how small, possessive, or pathetic it may be. That isn't true. I was there. It's not true for you. IT'S NOT!

And, now this is the hard part for me, because I still struggle with this. I do not believe I am worthy of being loved. Fortunately for me I am useful, so people use me. And since I am healing, I say no if I am not getting enough out of the transaction. But I don't expect love, I expect transactions. "Everything has a price." - Alistair Crowley, known for being a brilliant occultist and Satanist said that; I often add, "and it's rarely money." It has become what I expect from everyone, and everything, the price. I decide whether I am willing to pay the price to comply with their request. If I am not, I say no. It's not really a life motto, but it seems like it is always true. Love doesn't feel real. I experience an endless string of transactions, but without trust, it's all very hollow. It fills my wallet perhaps, but not my soul.

I am still healing, you are worth so much more. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be treated with dignity, and respect. Respect for your person, your heart, your soul. There has never been anyone like you in the world, and there will never be anyone like you again. I don't know you, but I can tell you it is true for you. I wish I could say I believed it about myself, today. I wish I could smile all the time without faking it. I wish I could put my arms around you without fearing that touching you would hurt me, or that I am so badly contaminated that me touching you would contaminate you. I wish I could believe this about myself, but today I do not. Maybe I will tomorrow. You can walk the world alone, just as I have chosen to do. I know if I can do it, anyone can. Sometimes you have to do that for a while. The real key is knowing when, and whom to let in, because we cannot walk the world alone forever. We aren't made that way.

Trust me though when I say this soup will clear out a room, well the after effects anyway. Sometimes that is just what you need to do.

Cheap Bean Soup
1 Large Can of Chick Peas, or other bean of your choice
1 pound of carrots trimmed and sliced
1 pound of celery chopped
2 medium onions chopped or minced to preference.
1 large container (64 ounces) of salsa (I prefer the hot stuff, especially when I am frustrated, the pain causes your body to release endorphins, natural feel good chemicals)

You can add meat if you like, the chick peas give you the needed protein. Carrots give you needed carbohydrates and vitamins without needing to spike your blood sugar. Celery gives it a nice salty punch, and the salsa and onions round it out.

Then just throw it all in the pot and let it simmer. This is a great crock pot recipe, put in in the morning before leaving for work, then let it cook on low until you get home. If you cook it on the stove remember you may need to stir it occasionally, between movies on Netflix, or shows that you watch alone. Because hey, you don't need anyone. Sure you are alone, and sometimes it hurts to be alone, (hence the spicy salsa), but you are worthy of the best, and until you find good people worth hanging out with you can let go of the jerks, the users, and the narcissists. You don't owe them anything. Let them fend for themselves, even if that means you have to be alone for a time. Sometimes life is better enjoyed alone, than with people who make you feel alone.

Good Journey my friend.

Hello Again, And Finnegan Begin Again

Well I'm not sure how this will go. I may lose my old audience, but that's ok. If my work is no longer interesting or helpful to you, then good journey. If our paths cross again, I will wish you the same.
I am changing this blog to be more intensely about recovering from childhood abuse.

In my case it was mental, physical, and though I don't consider it abuse, so much as an assault, I was also raped on one occasion. Now people tell me admitting this is brave. And I guess it is. But not because no one else out there deals with stuff like this. In fact, in much of my experience, everyone deals with trauma, though it varies in severity, degree, and how often. No the bravery comes in facing it. The bravery comes in telling the truth. Because everyone else wants me to be ashamed of this.

Now this isn't something they would admit to. No, they are not monsters, at least on the surface. But underneath, everyone wants the truth buried deep. And when one person admits these truths, it encourages others to admit theirs. Not everyone is prepared to admit, to heal. Because healing hurts. I won't lie to you. It hurts like hell. So instead, people want these truths to stay hidden. Stay buried. "It doesn't matter. You can't change the past. It's over now." They say, and brush the pain under the rug, as if it never existed in the first place.

But the problem with this is, the pain still exists. Sure left alone it will eventually scar over. Except you will then end up with changed, and somewhat defective behaviors based on your subconscious reactions to your past pain. We call it many things, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Personality Disorder, Depression, Bipolar, etc. You are set up to remain in unhealthy relationships with abusive people. It is not unlike someone suffering from severe trauma. The body compensates. But it does so to the detriment of other parts, until eventually you are twisted, and the beautiful creation is distorted, and broken. This is as true of mental trauma, as it is of physical trauma. We all know one person affected by this. And we all know that both physical trauma, and mental trauma twist the body, and mind. Left untreated, with therapy of some shape or form, we are deformed, mentally or physically.

Child Abuse and Mental Illness

So this is my therapy, since I can't afford a therapist right now.

Good Journey My Friend.